First things first; that is not an official picture on the left over there. At least I don’t think it is. Who the hell knows at this point after last nights conclusion of the “Nightsisters Trilogy” on Clone Wars.
Cartoon Network and the whole entire internet told me that this was going to be the greatest Star Wars Trilogy since. . . well . . . since the Star Wars Trilogy. You know, the original one.
It was not. At all.
If you did not see it here comes the recap:
Dooku and Asajj Ventress have a big arguement and decide to break up as Sith Lords. Dooku decides that he should probably kill her so he sicks a bunch of useless Attack Droids on her. She gets banged up but she narrowly escapes. Some Bounty Hunter dudes find her floating in space and make the mistake of inviting her over to watch Johnny Bravo reruns on Cartoon Network. (This might not be EXACTLY right…) She tells them that she would rather watch this box set of The O.C. that she’s been saving but they’re not having it and a big fight breaks out. She kills them all and goes home to her Mom. Turns out her Mom is the oiginal concept sketch for what eventually became Darth Maul. So Assaj tells Mom what a jerk Dokuu turned out to be and her Mom is all “Let’s get one of them Darth Maul dudes to mess up his pretty face” and Assaj is all “Hells to the yeah Mama!” and she runs off to the Darth Maul Planet where they keep these horned dudes standing around like it’s a stockroom. She picks one, they have like a Darth Maul Ultimate Fighter championship, some other boring stuff happens and Assaj brings him home for Mamma to mess with his DNA and pack some muscle on his scrawny yellow frame. Oddly enough, Dokuu calls up the Sith Witch and is like: “Hey I had to kill that kid you gave me cause she never listens – can you get me another?”
So she tells him – “Sure- I just happen to have a Yellow Darth Maul like Dude here” and he’s like “Darth Maul? That dude was the bomb diggity – I’ll be right there. ” So he takes Yellow Darth Maul to his place and tortures him with blue lightening until he learns the Force. Apparently to utilize the Dark Side of the Force you just need to have a bunch of electro shock therapy. Fair enough. So suddenly the producers realize that Anakin and Obi Wan have been gone for a long time so they get a mission from Yoda to find Yellow Darth Maul because he killed some weak ass Jedis. Sigh. Whatever. Somehow they end up at Toys R Us world where Yellow Darth Maul kills a bunch of mosquito looking dudes including the one that Dokuu told him not to. Whoops. To be fair all those Mosquito dudes look the same so cut the dude some slack right? But no – Dokuu gets all ” I told you not to blah blah blah” and Yellow Darth Maul is like “Hey man I said I was sorry” and Dokuu is like “Sorry doesn’t fix this dude’s crushed windpipe does it?” and Yellow Darth Maul goes: “Well just use some of that blue Lightening to start his heart like on Grey’s Anatomy” and Dokuu is like “Lightening doesn’t fix crushed windpipes! What kind of Doctor are you?” and Yellow Darth Maul is all -“Fine ! I quit! ” and then Dokuu goes “You can’t quit! Your fired” and suddenly Assaj shows up and she’s all “Kick his ass Yellow Darth Maul !” and Dokuu is like – “What the hell is going on? Your alive and you know this Mook?” and they all fight. And fight. And then they fight more. After more fighting, Dokuu escapes, Assaj escapes and Yellow Darth Maul goes home to Assaj’s Mom. Assaj’s Mom tells Yellow Darth Maul that she feels bad he had such a bad day but that daughter of hers is bad news who’s always getting mixed up with the wrong Sith Lords. Yellow Darth Maul is all, “I don’t know what to do with my life . . . ” and she pulls out a dopey crystal ball to show him his future. He should go to the planet where the real Darth Maul is becuase he is actually his brother and together the two of them could probably start a boy band or something. Yellow Darth Maul says “Sounds good to me” and heads off to find his brother. The end.
The End? What? This was supposed to be a 3 episode Arc . . . Arcs generally have a beginning, a middle and an end. This had a beginning, a middle and a what the hell is going on here? Darth Maul is alive? I saw him get cut in half. Then he fell down a big reactor shaft. Honest. Sadder still is the fact that this was supposed to mark some kind of incredible Star Wars writing debut for Katie Lucas. So what exactly did she write? The new characters all already existed as production drawings so what did she do? Name them? Savage Opress? Way to go Katie. Good luck with that Emmy nod.
As is ALWAYS the case, Star Wars fails by being predictable and pandering. The fans like Boba Fett? Lets make him the BASIS for ALL THE CLONES ! There’s a dude with horns sticking out of his head? He MUST be related to Darth Maul! If the Clone Wars TV show wanted to really shake it up and take things to the next level they should have allowed Savage Opress to kill Dokuu. Yeah I hear you;
“BUT DOKUU LIVES ! HE IS IN REVENGE OF THE SITH! ANAKIN KILLS HIM LATER ! THIS IS CRAZY TALK!!! BLASPHEMY!!!”
Yeah. Screw Revenge of the Sith. And screw the Star Wars Cannon. You want to get my attention? Do something NEW. Do something INTERESTING. Take a RISK. Killing Dokuu would have created a whole new universe of opportunities for Clone Wars. Could have set off an alternate reality in which Anakin’s path is not set in stone from episode one. Killing Dokuu would have made the statement that Clone Wars is about Art and story telling and not toys and nostalgia.
The best episodes of Clone Wars are about the Clones themselves because you don’t have any idea what will happen to them. They are in real danger and there are real consequences to their actions. I was ready, willing and to be quite honest HOPING to accept Clone Wars as a serious anime type product.
Turns out it’s just another cartoon.