Tonight, Darilyn finds herself left with four marvelous suitors who are blasting, kicking, growling, and physically regenerating their way through obstacle after obstacle for a chance at claiming a shot at her barb wired cardiovascular muscle.
Darilyn originally started out with twenty-five action packed gents. From the statuesque Robocop to the big bad Hutt leader of the Tatoonie underworld, she’s weeded out the bad & finds herself left with the worst because lets face it girls – it’s all about the bad boys.
Here’s who remains: Darth Maul, Bruce Lee, Boba Fett and Deadpool. What a bizarre coincidence . . .aren’t those the very same names that dude Skoat suggested in the “You control the Darilyn” post from last week? It’s as if somebody actually reads the comments people leave on this site …
Well It’s been a long journey kids , but tonight, Darilyn will choose the love of her life and those who fail to make the cut take a dive into the Sarlacc pit of unrequited love . . .
We now join the program already in process as Ms. Skywalker is ready to hand out her final radioactive spider and chose a life mate (Who wants a Rose Ceremony when you could have the opportunity to get bit by a radioactive spider!)
Darilyn: What the heck, Darth Maul? Look just because you’re not getting the final radioactive spider doesn’t give you the right to try and singe my eye brows off with your double bladed lightsaber! Look, we shared A LOT of very intimate moments and Godzilla knows I’ll always remember our one sentence conversations, but we’re just not right for each other. And besides, I told you countless times before that if you didn’t start flossing or at least apply SOMETHING like basic dental hygiene to your daily regimen, I could not love you. So with that being said, guards!!!! Please escort this Sith into the Sarlacc!
MAUL is cut in half and tossed away like so many promising Star Wars Villians.
Darilyn: Alright, that wasn’t awkward at all, let’s continue with this little love fest. Bruce Lee, would you come up here? Bruce, I think you’re incredible and I will always admire your skills. If not for you, Astaroth would have pulverized me when I sent him home. (Last weeks episode) But thankfully you were there to leap in and KO him with the flick of your pinky. It’s not that I don’t think we fit like a pair of David Lee Roth’s spandex pants, it’s just….Well, your strength scares me. Can you imagine if we ever fought over who took the last vitamin supplement? I’m not saying you’d intentionally harm me, but the fact of the matter is I just don’t understand you. No. Seriously. I have NO IDEA what you are saying. Your accent is terrible. I love ya Bruce, but maybe if you spoke Klingon . . . I am sorry to say you will not be getting the final radioactive spider. But since I do adore you so in your sexy yellow jumpsuit, I’m not sending you to the Sarlacc. To be fair, you’d just end up hurting the poor thing anyway.
Bruce says something no one understands, flicks his thumb across his nose and walks off into the double sun sets.
Darilyn: *Sniff* Okay, just give me a millisecond. I swear I’m not crying, my brain is just leaking fluid through my retinas. Happens all the time… Boba Fett & Deadpool? Would you both approach me in a seductive slow motioned manner meant to maximize the obvious appeal of your physical prowess?
They do so.
Darilyn: So, here we are. Boba, where do I even begin? I think out of all the men, it’s been you whom I shared the most with. (Whispers in Boba’s helmet) You never missed, baby. You are by far the sexiest bounty hunter I’ve ever encountered, and let me tell you, I’ve been serenaded by the man with no name, so I know my bounty hunters. You’ve given me everything, no else would let me fondle their blaster, but you let me fondle yours every night. Sometimes twice.
Deadpool, or seeing as we are so colloquial, may I call you Wade?
Time stops and Wade breaks the fourth wall as is his way.
Wade: Yooooo! What the frak is up, losers? It is I, Deadpool, and I am totally talking to you right now. So what’s up with this damsel? Don’t get me wrong, I think she’s hotter than Barbara Walters at least fo sho, but what’s up with the charade? Just choose me and let’s dismiss this mouth breathing, helmet rocking, wanna be stormtrooper robo looking thang. Oooo, look at me, I’m a scary bounty hunter who’s wealthier than the man who invented money. People, why do you insist on quenching this man’s thirst with your obsession over his actiion figure? I had an action figure once. You know who bought it? Boba Fett. That’s right bitches – Boba Fett wants to be ME so what is with his cool hand Luke act? Hey wouldn’t a cool “hand-less” Luke act be more appropriate? RIMSHOT BABY – I still got it ! Boo YAH !
Darliyn: Wade? Hey! Are you even listening to me? I’m going to assume the fear of me not choosing you is tinkering with your concentration. Are you back from your little monologue? Great. Let me continue.
Wade, we bond on an indescribable level. Even though you harpoon my ego with your vicious sarcasm, it’s that same acerbity that makes me swoon like a ego-maniac trapped in a mirror maze.
If I could, I’d totally suggest the three of us embark on a polygamous journey but there’s only one radioactive spider left so I guess I’m going to have to choose.
Boba, I think what we have is more based on lust. We’re not in love, we just have an addictive fetish for each others action figures.
( Wade looks at the camera and shakes his head in a “See I told ya” motion)
It’s not the lack of love that bothers me though. Fett, even while we are passionately embraced in the thralls of seduction, something keeps replaying in my brain’s cinema. The thought of you as a youngling. Don’t blame me, blame George Lucas. I can’t choose you when I’m constantly reminded of you as a wee lad. I didn’t need to see your origins, it just screwed up the entire fantasy of pretending that you were born a full grown bad ass.
Guards? Please take Mister Fett back to where he came from. And let’s make sure he STAYS there this time.
Deadpool, will you please accept not only this radioactive spider, but you will accept my love as well? You will? This is the greatest moment of my life! This is even better than when He-Man used the power of Greyskull to turn himself into a Chippendales dancer. Ah, this little contest has provided me with some good times. Some real good times.
We’ll probably end up smothering each other under a think blanket of insanity, but it’s worth it. Wade, you’re the key I need to unlock the best of me. And yes, as anyone who reads my nonsense would be happy to tell ya – I am obliged to say extremely cheesy stuff.
Wade, let’s get out of here, I do believe the world is in desperate need of its best mercenary.
Wade to fourth wall: Suuuppp? It’s the Wadester again. So, like it was pretty obvious I was gonna win. Just sucks that all I get is a radioactive spider. Whatever. At least I get this saucy little lass. That’s a pretty omega value deal if you ask me. So, I gotta go now and do someone, SOMETHING! I just hope the boun-toy hunter didn’t score with the prize chick. She may have had a Boba-Fettish but I definitely don’t wanna catch whatever that dudes got. Thanks for reading and if you will, please clean up the puddle of drool you left behind. I know this was epic, but you ain’t no canine so you got no right to be drooling. Now go fetch me something while I work this sexy composite of molecules that is supposedly in love with me or something. What’s love got to do with it? As far as I’m concerned, love ain’t got a damn thing to do with anything. Lattaaaaa!)