Max leaps into position at Geek Force 5 and saves us the trouble of a Sexual Harassment law suit.

Dear Calmixx,

I couldn’t help but notice that the first two members of Geek Force 5 are female.

Unless my math is wrong here – you have 3 spots left to fill to make a Force of 5 Geeks.

I can’t imagine that you are going to make ALL 5 new members women.  That seems like the sort of decision that would leave you open to a sexual harassment lawsuit.  Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

I look forward to hearing from you soon about my application to join the team.  I will be hearing from you . . . right?  I mean you wouldn’t want me to start looking into this any deeper would ya?

I anxiously await your reply.

Welcome aboard Token . . . ahhh I mean Max.

Max Here –

Nothing says love like melting Nazi heads. I have been smitten with Henry “Indiana” Jones
Jr. since I was Short Round’s age. Disappointingly I wasn’t a stereotypically Chinese
sidekick at the time, but my fortune cookie did predict I was a budding nerd
with a pension for history. I was surrounded by archaeology, my father being an
amateur Egyptologist. Nothing says suburban conversation piece like a life-size
replica sarcophagus in the living room. Throw in my Calista Flockhart sized man crush on Han Solo and it seemed like I was destined to be the surrogate son of the man whose name itself defines adventure (no offense to my ACTUAL father intended!)
My favorite of the series would have to be Temple of Doom. I know most seem to feel that’s like comparing Jaws 3-D to Jaws: The Revenge, they both sink faster than a half
eaten Robert Shaw’s career, but “You will become…a true believer.” Thuggee life,
dawg! When I wasn’t trying to get my hands on some delicious chilled monkey
brains (sadly the local grocery store was always out) I was dreaming of attending the Mola Ram School of Cardiology.
I am just one giant golden idol sized sucker for the Indiana Jones trilogy…

What’s that? It’s not a trilogy anymore? There’s a fourth film? No … that’s not right – that can’t be – Crystal Skull was just a dream . . .  right?  Sigh. No, it really happened.  Since the release of Kingdom of the Crystal Skull I always pathetically find myself going back to it time and time again like a battered and abused housewife. “Maybe it’s gotten better!” “Maybe it’ll grow on me.” Was it really as bad as I remember?” Apparently I’m a masochist because this movie keeps ripping my heart out Kali Ma style.

What’s  there to say about Crystal Skull that hasn’t already been said?

Seriously…Shia  Labeouf is in this? That’s who trumped me for the son spot? That’s who Spielberg cast as the son of Indy? A Bayformers star. I half expected the Temple of Akator to just transform into Megatron and cackle about how Lucas ruined another one of his beloved franchises.

Indy’s had  his fair share of sidekicks of debatable levels of obnoxiousness, but here we’re exposed to a greaser portrayal that would make Henry Winkler roll his eyes. I think I heard Potsie Webber and Ralph Malph hang themselves  in the bathroom during the Tarzan scene.  I
wanted to shake, rattle, and roll my brains out. This is Indy’s son? Ironic that they went to the iconic imagery  that gave us jumping the shark, to best it with nuking the  fridge! We get it George- you really like American Graffiti better than any of this other stuff that made you rich.**

I could almost handle Mutt Williams save the blood relation and Marion being shoehorned into the story. Plus what’s with the name? Why don’t they just call him Montana Smith? Was Dakota Williams taken? George Lucas …you chose poorly. Yet again.
Then you’ve got the Close Encounters  aliens up in this nonsense? that just spelled “Game over, man, game over!” Oh…forgive me. I mean “Inter-dimensional beings.” My bad! What’s next: Indiana Jones and the Mysteries of Sasquatch?…ZOINKS SCOOB…it’s Chewbacca! Could we be onto some giant amalgam project that rivals the Avengers? Let’s combine Indy, Star Wars, Close Encounters, and ET so that everyone that actually survived the prequels will finally die on film!

The original Indy trilogy has pure quality. So Spielberg…this is for you. We expect this  sort of cutesy crap from George, but you?

“I…I don’t know you anymore. You’re breaking my heart. You’re going
down a path I can’t follow. Because of what you’ve done. What you plan to do.
Stop! Stop now! Come back! I love you…”

So help me God Mr. Spielberg – if  we ever get a special edition with the Cairo Swordsman shooting first…

-MAX Gone!

**Haters be hatin! Send your troll mail to: IReallyWishLucasWouldRetire@IDontGAF.com.

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About calmixx

Calmixx is the Pseudonym of New York Artist/Writer Brian Mc- - HEY wait a minute. Why have a cool Pseudonym if you're just gonna tell people it's a Pseudonym? Yeah you can just call me Calmixx for now. Maybe if we have a third date I'll give up the last name but not without dinner. Check out my silly little blog and let me know what you think. Because I care. I really do. Really. Honest. Sorta.
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12 Responses to Max leaps into position at Geek Force 5 and saves us the trouble of a Sexual Harassment law suit.

  1. Nick says:

    I agree wholeheartedly, Max. I actually went to see Kingdom of the Crystal Skull for a midnight release while I was on vacation. All that was running through my head during the Tarzan/ant column scenes was “Y’know, I could be watching Dimitri Martin back in my room while I wait to go to sleep, but no, instead I’m watching a lead-lined refrigerator withstand a nuclear blast and a Shia La-however-it’s-spelled with monkeys while outrunning a jeep. This is TOTALLY better.”

    It would’ve been a lot better if, rather than finding interdimensional aliens, they opened the temple and found descendants of the ancient Mesoamerican natives living there, with technology that rivals or surpasses that which we have today. Holographic entertainment systems, flying personal transportation, etc. Anything, really, would have been better than what we actually got with this.

  2. Steve says:

    Max, you are a genius.

  3. Dave D says:

    I think the more likely worry should be that the Cairo Swordsman becomes the Cairo Walkie-Talkieman!

  4. Kimmie says:

    Where have I heard this before…? lol!

  5. Linz says:

    MAXIMUS IS AWESOME! IM YOUR NUMBER ONE FAN! LUV U!

  6. Nesto says:

    Couldnt agree more! well said!

  7. GMo says:

    Very good article Max! I still can gleam some enjoyment from Indy 4 but I know there’s a lot of valid complaints. I think the chase throug the college is classic Indy heh

  8. Great writing, Max! I love to read your material. I’ve always thought that the Crystal Skull film was originally conceived to be a 90 minute made-for-TV movie, perhaps even as a pilot for a proposed TV series about Indy’s son. Then Spielberg and Lucas got carried away and kept throwing more special effects and money into it and finally became convinced that they might have another cinematic blockbuster in the can. The film has a lot of the elements you’ll find in all those “reunion” TV movies that were so popular in the 70’s–The Brady Bunch Reunion, The Munster’s Reunion, etc. Made primarily for nostalgia and fun, this type of film reunited old, familiar characters, put them in updated situations, and then showed that–in spite of growing older–they could still outwit and out fight the Bad Guys. I don’t think people should evaluate the Crystal Skull film with the same standards used to appraise the first three Indy films. Crystal Skull seems like a different genre altogether.

  9. leia says:

    muahahahaha, that is hilarious!

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